


i'm fine (because you're here)

by jjibunrock



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Elementary School, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Middle School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Confessions, Fluff, Friendship/Love, Light Angst, M/M, POV Jean Kirstein
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-27
Updated: 2014-12-27
Packaged: 2018-03-03 19:10:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2873720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjibunrock/pseuds/jjibunrock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren has a habit of getting hurt.</p><p>Jean has a habit of taking care of him when he does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm fine (because you're here)

**9 Years Old**

It’s the beginning of spring.

“You’re so _slow_!”

I turn to my right. The boy beside me pokes his tongue out. I stick my own out in response and turn my head away.

“I am _not_ ,” I say defensively, my face growing red. “I’m just being cautious.”

“Whatever you say,” the boy snorts. He tilts his head towards the soccer field. “The fifth graders are playing soccer. Wanna play?”

“Huh?” I blink at him. “You can’t play with them.”

The boy crosses his arms, his eyebrows raised high on his forehead, “Says who?”

“Uh, well…”

“We’re only a year behind them,” he says. He grabs my hand and tugs me towards the field. “A lot of ‘em are really dumb, so they won’t even notice!”

“Are you sure about that?” I ask doubtfully. I dig my heels down into the ground. “Hey, I really don’t think we should-”

“Relax!” the boy cries. He turns around, his eyes big and green. “Don’t you trust me?”

“I…”

“I trust you,” he says. “The other boys are really mean to me. They push me around and stuff, but you’re really nice.”

I swallow thickly. I had seen the boy pushed around. He had come into our class late, and all the other kids picked on him because he's really small and gets angry easily. They like seeing him act up, and they like seeing him get in trouble with our teacher.

“You don’t even know me,” I say. “How do you know I’m different?”

“I can just tell those kinds of things,” he says seriously. “’Sides, if you were mean I wouldn’t have talked to you.”

“I guess so,” I grumble. “What’s your name, anyway?”

“You don’t know my name?” he teases. I just realize that he’s still holding my hand in his own. His hand is soft and warm and tiny, and it feels kind of nice...even though it’s pretty sweaty.

“No,” I say. I narrow my eyes. “It’s not like you know _my_ name either.”

“Of course I do!” he cries. “You’re Jean. The other kids call you Horseface, but I promise I won’t.”

I scowl.

“And why’s that?” I grumble.

“’Cause we’re friends,” he grins, and I realize that he’s missing one of his front teeth.

_Friends?_

I didn’t have many friends. I usually hung out by myself, and a lot of the other kids didn’t really like me. They gave me mean nicknames and avoided me like the plague. Unlike this kid, however, I kept myself in check.

“Well if that’s the case I should know your name,” I say. The boy’s grin widens.

“I’m Eren!” he says, almost screaming. I wince at the volume of his voice. “Now let’s go!”

Eren begins to drag me again. I decide to go along with him, allowing myself to be pulled to the field.

“Hey!” Eren shouts to one of the fifth graders. I nearly pee my pants when he walks over to us. Compared to Eren, he’s _huge_.

“Yeah?” the boy asks, his gold eyes darting back and forth between us.

“We wanna play soccer!” Eren says.

“Please,” I tack on hastily.

The boy looks at me before looking back at Eren. Then, he smirks.

“Sure, Shorty. Try not to get hurt.”

Eren’s little shoulders begin to tremble.

Oh no.

“I’m not short!” Eren says, stamping his foot. The fifth grader tilts his head to the side.

“You’re pretty short,” he says.

“Hey, Reiner, leave him alone,” another boy jogs over. He’s as big as Reiner, but he seems to be gentler that his friend.

Still, he scares me.

“I’m sorry,” I say, forcing a laugh as I drag Eren away. “He’s a little…uh, sensitive.”

“Whatever,” Reiner says. He turns around. “Let’s go back to the game, Bertolt.”

I continue dragging Eren off.

“Get off me! I’m gonna punch him in the face!” Eren begins thrashing in my grip, successfully whacking me on the nose.

“Ow! What’d you do that for?” I complain.

“You were holding me back!” Eren turns on me.

“You were being dumb!”

“I’m not dumb!”

Right before Eren lunges at me, a soccer ball sails right into his head. He drops to the ground instantly. I kneel down next to him, holding his cheeks in my hands.

“Are you okay?” I ask.

“It  _hurts_!”

His eyes begin to well with tears. My chest begins to feel tight. The boy from before, Bertolt, jogs back over.

“I’m so sorry!” he gushes guiltily. “I kicked the ball the wrong way.”

“It’s okay,” I say, and try to pull Eren off of the field. He’s actually crying now, his face red.

“Here, let me help you!”

Bertolt grabs Eren’s other arm and together we take him to our teacher, who tells us to take him to the nurse. When we’re inside the nurse’s office, Bertolt apologizes again. He takes a crushed lollipop out of his pocket and gives it to Eren before leaving.

The nurse gives Eren an ice pack and tells him to lie down for a little bit. She tells me I can go back outside, but I tell her I’ll stay with Eren.

“Does it still hurt?” I ask, resting my chin on the hard bed.

Eren looks at the ceiling, his eyes still a little glassy. He shifts the ice pack on his head before looking back at me.

“A little bit,” he sniffles. The tears have finally dried on his cheeks. I hand him a tissue to wipe away the snot. “Thanks for staying me with me.”

“Of course,” I mutter. “It’s what friends do.”

I lean up and press my lips against his temple. Eren stares at me.

“What’d you do that for?” he asks, his cheeks pink.

“My mom says that if you kiss something that hurts it gets better,” I explain, somehow not tripping over my own words.

Eren purses his lips.

“That’s dumb,” he says, but he’s grinning.

“Whatever, _jerk_.”

* * *

  **14 Years Old**

It’s currently the middle of winter.

Eren is far ahead of me, his arms swinging back and forth beside him exaggeratedly. He occasionally turns around to see where I am before sticking his tongue out and turning back.

I roll my eyes and flex my cold fingers.

“Eren, come on,” I complain. “It’s cold and I wanna go home.”

“So go home,” Eren shouts. He turns around and walks backwards, his eyes on me. “No one said you had to stay with me.”

“Yeah, well…” I trail off. Eren turns back around with a loud scoff. I narrow my eyes and glare at the ground.

The next thing I know, Eren is sprawled across the sidewalk. I gasp, running forward before I even realize that I’m moving.

“Eren!”

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” the idiot is freaking _laughing_. He tries to stand up, but then his face scrunches up in pain and he lands right back on his ass. “Ow, ow!”

“What the hell did you do now?” I grumble, mostly to myself. Eren looks up at me with a wince.

“I think I sprained my ankle,” he says. He’ll never admit this, but there are tears in his eyes. “It _hurts_ , Jean!”

“Well I don’t know what you were expecting,” I say. Sighing, I grab him and help him stand. He loops his arms around my shoulders.

“You’re such an asshole,” Eren moans, resting heavily on my side. I tighten my grip around him.

“And here we are, after all these years,” I coo. “Now shut up and limp.”

“Screw you!”

* * *

“What happened?” Mrs. Jaeger asks.

“Eren wasn’t paying attention and slipped on some ice,” I inform her. “I think he sprained his ankle.”

Mrs. Jaeger sighs, and Eren laughs sheepishly.

“I’ll take him up to his room,” I offer. Eren snorts against my shoulder.

“What a gentleman,” he drawls.

Mrs. Jaeger sighs again.

“I’ll bring an ice pack up.”

“Thanks Mom!” Eren says as we go up the stairs.

When I finally get Eren to his room, I help him sit down. Then I tug off my coat and drape it on the back of his desk chair. He raises his eyebrows at me.

“What are you doing?”

“Making sure you don’t go anywhere,” I say, flopping beside him on the bed.

“Nice,” Eren murmurs, and drapes his legs over my lap.

Mrs. Jaeger comes in a few minutes later with an ice pack.

“Are you staying for dinner?” she asks me.

“If you’ll have me,” I say. Mrs. Jaeger laughs.

“Of course,” she smiles. “It’s always a pleasure, Jean.”

“Not always,” Eren pipes up. Mrs. Jaeger glares at him.

“Be nice, Eren,” she says. “I’ll call you boys when it’s time.”

“Thank you,” I say, and she smiles again when she shuts the door.

“Why do you have to be so damn charming?” Eren says. “I swear, my mother loves you more than me.”

“Hey, I don’t hear you complaining,” I say, giving him a wounded look. “Besides, I thought you _liked_ it when I came over.”

“Well yeah,” Eren mumbles. His head rests against my chest. I wonder if he can hear how loudly my heart is pounding.

His fingers play with the buttons on my shirt idly. I watch him for a few moments, resisting the overwhelming urge to brush his hair away from his eyes.

“Hey, Jean?”

“Hm?” I look down at him.

He leans up on his elbow, cocking his head to the side.

“We’re going to be best friends forever, right?” he asks.

“Of course,” I say instantly. I furrow my eyebrows. “You shouldn’t even ask that.”

“I know,” Eren huffs, and flops back onto the pillow. I hold the ice pack against his ankle when he shifts and put the pillow behind my head under his foot. “It’s just…”

“What?”

“It’s dumb, whatever,” Eren says, shaking his head. I scoff.

“Oh come on,” I say. “You say a lot of dumb shit, but I never judge you for it. You can tell me.”

Eren gives me an icy look. Then he sighs and folds his hands on top of his stomach.

“It’s just…I’m scared you’ll forget about me when we start high school.”

My eyes widen when I hear that.

“I could never do that,” I say. “You’re so much of a pain that I would realize if you were gone.”

Eren growls and smacks my chest hard. I chuckle and rub the spot.

“I’m serious! Things like that happen all the time, you know.”

“I know,” I reply. “But that doesn’t mean it will happen to us. Have some faith in me, Eren. I’ve gone through too much shit with you to be able to leave.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Eren murmurs. “I…I’m sorry. It was dumb, I know.”

“It’s okay,” I grin. “You’re my best friend, Eren. You’re stuck with me.”

Eren laughs, his eyes closing contently.

“Somehow I don’t have a problem with that.”

“Good,” I mutter.

Before I can stop myself, my lips brush against his forehead. Eren’s eyes snap open, and he looks at me in confusion.

Then, he relaxes again.

“I’m gonna take a nap,” he says, and smirks. “Don’t try anything funny.”

My cheeks instantly grow red.

“Whatever, _moron_.”

* * *

  **17 Years Old**

It’s the end of summer.

“What the _fuck_ Eren?”

My best friend grins at me, his green eyes bright. There’s a red mark on his face, but other than that he seems fine.

I’m instantly suspicious.

“Hey buddy,” he says. He waves at me. “Can I crash here?”

“Eren, it’s four in the fucking morning,” I say. “Do your parents know you’re here?”

“If they did, I _wouldn’t_ be here.”

“Come in,” I sigh. I rub the back of my neck, holding in a yawn. Eren takes his shoes off by the door and unzips his hoodie.

I lead him upstairs to my room. He instantly curls up on my bed, his face all but buried into my pillow. I sit beside him.

“So,” I begin, forgetting about how tired I am. “Why exactly are you here?”

He twists around to face me.

“What, am I unwelcome?” he asks, arching his eyebrows.

“I didn’t say that,” I say, sighing. “Did something happen?”

“Many things happened,” Eren says vaguely. “Some were better than others.”

“ _Eren_.”

He doesn’t reply. I roll my eyes.

“I’m going to back to sleep if you don’t say anything,” I threaten. I even put myself under the blanket.

Suddenly, Eren’s shoulders begin to shake. When I peek over at him, I see that he’s struggling not to cry.

I’m even more worried now.

“Eren? Eren, what’s wrong?”

“We’re best friends right?”

Oh, not this again.

“Of course,” I say. “What’s wrong?”

Eren pulls himself up to rest against the headboard. I do the same. The tears finally fall down his cheeks, and he hastily raises his hands to wipe the tears away.

“…I came out.”

“Huh?” I ask.

_Did I hear him right?_

“I came out. To my parents.”

“Oh,” I say, and when Eren turns his watery gaze on me I realize how shitty that sounds. “How’d it go?”

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what I _should_ say or what I’m _supposed_ to say or what Eren wants to hear. All I know is that my heart is beating even faster in my chest.

“What do _you_ think?” he asks. He wipes at his nose. “My dad was the worst about it. I don’t even get why he’s so upset. I mean, technically I still like girls. I just prefer guys.”

“Is that why you have that on your face?” I ask.

Eren presses his hand against the red mark, “Yeah, he slapped me. I ran before anything else happened.”

A silence fell over us.

“So you’re bisexual?”

Eren tilts his head to the side.

“I never really thought about the labels and shit,” he says. “But yeah, I guess.”

“How long have you…?”

“I don’t fucking know,” Eren replies. “I’ve just…I don’t know. I noticed it and it scared the shit out of me. But now I just don’t give a fuck.”

He pauses.

“Eren…” I start. I don’t know what I’m about to say.

“You’re probably grossed out,” he says. He looks at me. “Does it bother you that I like dick?”

I’m shocked at the crudeness of his statement.

“Should it?” I ask.

“I don’t know,” Eren mumbles. “I don’t know about anything.”

I pull him towards me and wrap my arms around him. I’m not wearing a shirt, so when he holds me tightly his nails dig into my back. I run my hands up and down over his back, pressing my face against the top of his head. His hair tickles the tip of my nose, and he buries his face into my neck.

“I can hear your heartbeat,” he whispers.

I swallow roughly.

“Oh yeah?” I say casually.

“Yeah,” Eren mutters. “It’s…it’s really fast.”

“Ah, well…”

“It’s okay,” he says. He pries one of my arms off from around his waist and grabs my hand, pressing it against his chest. His heartbeat is strong and fast, much like my own. “Mine’s beating pretty fast too.”

I lean down and press my lips against his cheek, right where he got slapped. His skin is salty and wet from his tears. I move my hand up to wipe away the rest of his tears.

“I don’t give a shit about what your dad thinks,” I say. “You’re still my Eren…the same Eren who will always be my best friend.”

“ _Your_ Eren?” he mutters. “I didn’t realize you claimed me.”

“Of course I did,” I murmur. “Back in fourth grade, remember?”

“I remember,” Eren says. He mumbles something under his breath.

“What was that?” I ask. He shakes his head.

“Nothing. Go the fuck to sleep. I’m tired.”

I snort.

“Whatever, _asshole_.”

* * *

**22 Years Old**

It’s almost autumn.

“You should be studying, Eren,” I say, shaking my head.

On the screen of my laptop, Eren sticks his tongue out.

“Fuck that,” he says. “I’ll study when I want to.”

“Don’t come bitching to me when you fail,” I say. Eren stretches out to lie on his stomach, propping his chin up onto his hands.

“So how’s life?” he asks.

I shrug.

“It’s alright,” I say. “My classes are kicking my ass right now. You?”

“Same,” he replies. Suddenly, there’s a strange look on his face. “So…any one interesting over there?” he asks.

I raise my eyebrows, adjusting my earbuds.

“Are you asking me if I’m in a relationship?”

“I guess,” Eren says. “I mean, I’m not. But…”

“But there’s someone you like?” I ask.

Eren bites his lip and nods.

“I’ve liked him for a while, actually,” he says. He rubs the back of his neck. “But he’s an idiot, and he hasn’t realized.”

“Oh no,” I say. “You should stay away from guys like that.”

My chest is painfully tight. I had finally come to terms with my feelings for Eren when I was eighteen, but it was too late then. He was going to college in New York and I had been accepted into a school in California.

I have thought about telling Eren my feelings many times, but always decide not to. It would be easy to, since we're on opposite sides of the country. But it would also be easier to lose my friendship with Eren, and that isn’t something I'm willing to risk.

“I should,” Eren says. “There’s just something about him. He’s such an idiot but I love him.”

“Whoa,” I say. “You must be serious about him, huh?”

“I am,” Eren says.

I don’t reply. Eren makes a small frustrated sound.

“Oh come on,” he complains. “Do you _seriously_ not know?”

“Should I?” I ask. Eren rolls his eyes.

“I’m talking about _you_ , idiot.”

I instantly freeze. Eren’s sitting up now, his eyes on mine. The light from his computer casts a white glow on his face, making him paler than he actually is. His hair is messy from sleep and he’s wearing pajama pants and a sweatshirt from his university.

“I…” My mouth opens. Eren gets a hopeful look on his face. “I have to go. I have class tomorrow.”

I don’t.

Eren knows that.

“Okay,” he mutters. He won’t look at me now.

“Bye,” I say.

“Bye,” he says curtly.

The screen goes black, and the little green dot by Eren’s name turns white. I shut my laptop off and push it away from me, gripping my hair tightly between my fingers.

I know that I’ve just fucked up, but I can’t fix it now. It’s too late.

Frustrated, I pick my pillows up and throw them against the wall.

* * *

I haven’t talked to Eren in over three months.

I had purposefully kept myself off Skype, and he hasn’t texted or called me either.

Finally, I grew tired of it. I need to talk to Eren, even if he won’t say anything. I need to apologize for being such a _goddamn_ idiot.

I grab my laptop and instantly open up my browser. I go onto a search engine and type in the words that will _hopefully_  make things better between us.

* * *

The girl standing next to me sneezes loudly, and I pray that she doesn’t get me sick. I exit the airport, squinting around myself.

When I spot the familiar form, I make my way over.

“Thanks for picking me up, Mrs. Jaeger,” I say.

Eren’s mother nods.

“Of course,” she smiles. “You’ve grown so much!”

“Ah, well…” I rub the back of my neck, embarrassed.

“Does Eren know you’re in town?”

“No,” I say. “Is he home…?”

Eren’s parents had gotten divorced when he was nineteen. Since his dad isn’t living with them anymore, I figure that he’d want to be home.

“Yes, he’s home for break as well,” she says. “You two haven’t seen each other since you both left for college, right?”

“Yeah,” I say. My throat feels tight.

We get in the car after that. The ride to Eren’s home seems to take forever. My leg jiggles constantly, and when we finally pull up in front of the house I feel like I might puke.

I grab my book bag and hesitantly make my way to the door. Mrs. Jaeger comes up behind me and unlocks it, walking inside.

“Eren?” she calls. “Come downstairs.”

“Coming!” Eren says.

It feels like forever since I’ve heard his voice.

“Look who came by!”

Eren stops halfway down the stairs, his eyes wide. Then, he turns and runs back up. He trips on one of the steps, slamming his knee into the hard wood. He groans in pain, and I’m instantly by his side. I grab his arm, but he slaps me away.

“ _Don’t_ ,” he whispers brokenly. “Don’t touch me.”

“Eren, please.”

Mrs. Jaeger stares at us for a few moments before quietly slipping down the hall.

Eren brings himself up shakily and walks to his room.

I follow after him.

I close the door to his bedroom shut. Eren stands in the middle of the room, his back to me and his arms crossed.

“Why are you here?”

“We need to talk.”

“Do we? Because you seemed pretty content with not saying shit for three months.”

“Hey, you didn’t say anything either!”

“What was I supposed to say?” Eren whirls around, stabbing my accusatorily in the middle of my chest. “I…you…you fucking _left_.”

“I know,” I say.

“I fucking confessed to you and you just…” he waves his arms around wildly. I think of the tiny fourth grader who couldn’t control his anger.

“I know,” I say again. “It was really shitty, and I don’t even know why I did it.”

“That makes two of us,” Eren mumbles. “We’re best friends, Jean! How could you…”

“We’re a little past friends, don’t you think?” I say before I realize it.

Eren looks at me oddly.

“What?”

Well, it’s now or never.

“I…I’ve liked you for a while now.”

Eren looks at me blankly.

“If you’re fucking around, it’s not funny.”

“I’m not fucking around,” I say. “I really have. Why…why do you think I was always by your side?”

“Because we’re best friends?” he offers. I shake my head.

“Because I _love_ you, Eren.”

Eren sucks in a breath. He laughs softly.

“I feel like this is a dream.”

“It’s not a dream,” I say. I pinch his arm, and he yelps. “See? You’re awake.”

Eren rubs his arm and looks up at me from underneath his bangs.

“You’re something else, Jean Kirschstein,” he mutters.

“I guess I am,” I say. I look at his knee. “Let me see.”

Eren sits down on the bed. I roll his pants up to look at his knee. It’s pretty red, and it’ll probably bruise soon.

I press my lips softly against it. Eren jerks his leg a little bit, and when I look up at him his face is tinted pink.

“What’re you doing?”

“Kissing it better,” I reply. Eren scoffs.

“That doesn’t work,” he says. I laugh.

“Sure it does. You look happier already.”

Eren chuckles and rolls his pants back down. I sit next to him on the bed.

“So where does this leave us?” he asks me. I shrug.

“Wherever you want us to be,” I reply. Eren rolls his eyes.

“You’re so embarrassing,” he whines. I snicker.

“Whatever, _Eren_."

* * *

  **34 Years Old**

It's the beginning of winter.

I flip idly through the channels on television, bored. 

“Jean!” Eren shouts.

Oh no. That doesn't sound very good.

“Yeah?” I poke my head into the kitchen.

Eren looks at me sheepishly.

“Can you get the burn spray for me?” he asks.

I sigh and go into the bathroom, bending to look under the sink. Once I have the bottle, I return back to Eren. I uncap the bottle and spray it onto his hand. The white spray covers his burn, and he sighs with relief.

“What would I do without you?” he says gratefully.

“Die, probably.”

“Oh shut up,” he says, shaking his head. I stare at him. He brushes his hair away from his forehead self-consciously. “Hey, what are you staring at?”

“The most beautiful man on the entire planet,” I say honestly.

Eren goes red.

“Oh god,” he whines. “I thought you’d get less sappy after we got married.”

“You thought wrong,” I say, kissing him softly. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. As your husband, it’s my responsibility to make sure you know that.”

“You could be less cheesy about it,” he says, and I wrap my arms around his waist.

“I could,” I admit, and grin. “But it wouldn’t be nearly as entertaining for me.”

“Right, of course not,” he says, and rolls his eyes.

Suddenly, the oven beeps.

“Oh no, the food!”

Eren disentangles himself from me and quickly turns off the stove top. He peeks into the lid with dismay.

“The rice burned,” he complains.

“Whoops,” I say, and barely dodge the spatula he throws at me.

* * *

Eren snuggles into my side, his ear pressed against my chest. I run my fingers up and down his bare arm, watching as goose bumps erupt across his tan skin.

“Wow,” he murmurs.

“Hm?” I ask, and brush my lips against his forehead.

“Your heart still beats fast when I touch you,” he whispers. He leans his head back to look at me. “Do I really drive you that crazy?”

There’s a smirk on his face.

“You have no idea,” I say.

Eren laughs and leans down, pressing his lips against my chest. He settles back down, hooking one of his legs over my hips. I tighten my grip around him. Even now, I have trouble believing that he’s really mine.

“I was always.”

“Huh?”

“Yours,” Eren says. “I was always yours.”

Oh. I didn't mean to speak out loud. I laugh softly, brushing his hair away from his face.

“Since fourth grade, right?” I say.

Eren grins and presses his lips against mine sweetly.

“Thank you for taking care of me,” he whispers.

“I couldn’t imagine myself doing anything else,” I whisper back. My husband chuckles and shakes his head.

“You're a sappy old man,” he says, biting his lip to hide his smile. I grin down at him.

“Whatever, _my love_.”


End file.
